Loose Cannon
by RebelRising
Summary: Mishaps, adventures and romance with Shepard's crew. All ending with movie night. Tali/Garrus. Rated M for language, sexual humor, sensuality and violence.
1. Loose Cannon

Loose Cannon

Author's Notes: As anyone who has played Mass Effect will know, Garrus is a cop who cares little for bureaucracy and red tape. He cares more about dealing swift justice than arbitrary rules that hinder the authorities more than it does help them. He is, what, in old crime dramas would be called, a "loose cannon." This story is just a cute one-shot about Garrus. (Some basic knowledge of crime movies is recommended.) You might notice that Ashley is way cooler and nicer than she is in the game. That is intentional.

This is my first fan-fiction EVER. I've been writing my own series of novels (you can check out an excerpt from one of them on my account on deviantArt). I just felt like kicking back and writing for my favorite game ever. So my writing might be rusty-please be as honest as you can be about it. Extra points if you can identify the references.

DISCLAIMER-Bioware owns Mass Effect and all characters.

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Another day, another mission, another descent into a disarray of guns and explosions. He hadn't expected Cerberus to go down without a fight, but he was surprised at the defenses all the same. The head officials had barricaded themselves in the facility and had reacted to the latest breach with aggressive hostility. So here they were, pinned between suppressing fire and the wall, with no safe opening for movement. Wrex took point at one of the nearby crates-his armor deflected the barrage of bullets at him, eliciting only the occasional grunt or curse.

As Wrex blasted henchmen away with an Armageddon X, Garrus sprinted on his toes (talons) to the crate opposite Wrex's position. The commando was right across the room from Garrus' crate; Garrus activated his optical eye-piece and peered over the top-nobody had noticed his movement. They were all focused Shepard and Wrex, who were still pinned on his right. He had to act quick if he was going to relieve his team. Silently and quickly, he powered up his sniper rifle; he then took a deep breath and popped out from behind the crate, aligned himself with the commando and roared,

"SAY HELLO...TO MY LIL' FRIEND!"

He pulled back on the trigger-a shot rang through the room-and the commando fell to the floor, his head painting the wall behind him a visceral red. Hyped, Garrus waited a second for the cool-down before taking out a scientist through the ear and out the other. The rest were momentarily paralyzed with fear before running for cover. Wrex, however, would have none of that; he sent consecutively sent three mercenaries flying across the room before they had a chance. Garrus picked off the remaining two heading for the stairs. The trio took deep breaths. and headed for the office where data was inevitably going to be.

Along the way, Shepard uttered, " 'Say hello to my little friend?' "

"Friggin' pervert." said Wrex, as nonchalantly as a Krogan could.

"I was excited, it just...came to me." Garrus slowed down a little and tailed the two, muttering softly about about something-A cockroach? Shepard was slightly weirded out, but knew Wrex was just mad that Garrus had 'stolen' his kills.

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Shepard didn't want to let Garrus down. Not after being hit with those sad, blue puppy eyes. Shepard decided to make an exception just this once. Or whenever his crew asked him. Ah, what the hell-he was a pushover, that's just who he was.

"Put him out of his misery so we can get going." he said.

"Gladly."

Garrus turned to Dr. Saleon, and said, rather dramatically, "Your days of butchering are over, doctor."

Dr. Saleon yelled, Please! No, Please!!" Squealing incoherently, he turned to run but was shot in the leg and fell to the floor. A pistol fell from a table onto the floor in front of the Doctor, who crawled to grab the gun. but Garrus simply walked over to him and stepped on his injured leg, evoking a prolonged scream from the pained Salarian. Holding up his sniper rifle against his shoulder, Garrus spoke over the Doctor's moaning.

"I know what you're thinking. Being that this is a Naginta XII, one of the most powerful sniper rifles in the galaxy, and would blow your head clean off, you''ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?"

When the Doctor didn't answer and simply kept struggling, Garrus lowered his gun to the Doctor's face and said, "Well, do ya, punk?!"

Shepard turned to Tali, confusion in his eyes.

"Er, what's he doing?" Tali simply shrugged her shoulders.

"I-I guess he's just savoring the moment, Commander."

The doctor stopped struggling, and held up his hands in defeat, hoping against hope that he would be spared. No such luck.

The sniper shot blew a sizable hole through the Salarian's head. Dr. Saleon was dead; Garrus finally finished what he had started. He took one long, lingering look at the corpse and turned to Shepard.

That...was **satisfying**.", he said, in an almost orgasmic undertone.

"Good," he replied, "Remember that feeling; that's how it should be. **Every** time."

"I **will, **Commander."

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Shepard was inspecting the weapon stocks with Ashley down in the hangar. It was a relaxing respite from the continual fighting his job required. And with Ashley spouting jokes and hearty witticisms, he felt like he could finally wind down. As he was buffing a shotgun, he could audibly sense Wrex walking towards him. Actually, he was more or less stomping. Shepard turned to face Wrex, who was standing there, arms crossed as usual. He simply glared at the Commander.

"I'm gonna ask you you something, Shepard."

Just as well; the commander thought. He knew Wrex better than to think he would ask if he could ask a question.

"I'm all ears, Wrex.", he said comfortingly.

"What the **hell's** wrong with the Turian?"

Shepard raised one eyebrow expertly and replied, "Garrus, you mean? I don't follow."

Wrex sighed. "We were talking 'bout the Genophage over lunch."

"Yeesh!", exclaimed Ashley under her breath.

Glancing at the human, Wrex let out a guttural scoff.

"He knew better than to screw with me 'bout that. But one thing led to another-I was telling him about that time I killed my father with my dagger in the ambush."

"Yeah, you told me about that."

Wrex grunted. "Right. So I'm telling him; and out of nowhere, he says some shit about "bringing a knife to a gun fight" or somethin' and says 'bye.' "

Someone coughed behind Shepard, who turned around to find Ashley feverishly cleaning the rifles, fumbling and dropping one of them.

"You okay there, Ash?", asked Shepard, this time not expertly raising his eyebrow, but expertly stroking his jaw-lined moustache.

Not looking up, Ashley responded, "What, yeah, no I'm...not-of course I'm, uh okay."

"You sure?", said Shepard.

" Of course, uh, why would I be?"

The commander glanced at Wrex, who just stood there. Stolidly staring at the distracted chief.

"Ya know, Williams, Garrus **has **been saying a lot of weird shit lately."

The commander nodded...and expertly raised one eyebrow. "Would you happen to know anything about this?"

Defeatedly, Ashley put the gun down and turned to Shepard. She rolled her eyes upwards, as if trying to recall something.

"Okay, you remember the last time we were on the Citadel-you were helping out that Elcor diplomat and the Consort."

"More like 'Constitute', if you ask me.", interjected Wrex, smiling grimly. Ashley paused to high-five Wrex, as Shepard rolled his eyes. Ashley continued hesitantly.

"And you said that me and Garrus could go off and do whatever we wanted while you were busy and that we'd meet back at the ship in an hour, right?"

"I remember."

"So Garrus and I went down into the Wards to window-shop. And we stopped in front of the Cinema-Vid Emporium. I asked Garrus if he had ever seen a movie. He said no-didn't even know what I was talking about. So I took him in there and rented out a couple of vids I thought he might enjoy. You know, for when we're on long flights."

"So all, the weird stuff he's saying...?"

"Yes!" Tali had decided to join in the conversation, walking in from behind. "Just last night, he was murmuring about the 'little, angry, hairy man' in his sleep."

"Oh, dear." murmured Ashley, covering an obviously embarrassed smile.

"You and the Turian are sleepin' together?", asked Wrex, who was grinning wickedly, as Shepard and Ashley shot startled glares at him.

"No, Wrex. In case you have forgotten, we each have our own sleeper pod-this isn't the Flotilla.", replied Tali, clearly not getting the joke.

"Well, my guess is he's trying to do what he can to be like the guys in the movies.", said Ashley

"What movies did you get him?"

"I just grabbed a handful-I remember taking out '_Serpico_' and '_The Untouchables_.' But there were, like, three others."

Shepard scratched his head. "'Untouchables? I vaguely remember that name."

"It's an old, old, **old **mobmovie. It's been digitally restored, like, a dozen times over n-"

"Hold on a minute!"

"What?", retorted Ashley.

"When I hear 'mob', I hear 'criminals', and when I hear 'criminals', I hear 'guns', and when I hear 'guns', I hear: 'Fighting.' Right?"

"How do you hear four things at the same time?" asked a bewildered Tali, whom Wrex just ignored.

Ashley just shrugged impartially. "Yeah, pretty much."

"That asshole, I'll kill 'im!"

Shepard cried out, "Wrex?!"

"What you're telling ME, is that the Turian has had something to entertain himself onboard, while I have nothing better to do than hang around the STINKING lockers, bored out of my thick Krogan skull?!"

"Ermmm..."

"Without telling me! Hell, if I can't shoot anybody on this ship, then I might as well watch people do it on screen!"

"Well, it's not Garrus' fault-he can only watch them on his omni-tool.", reasoned Ashley.

Wrex sighed. "Huh, no big screen, eh?"

Shepard spoke up again.

I...guess that they couldn't fit it into the budget.", he said quietly.

"I find that hard to believe," piped up Tali. "Billions poured into an experimental frigate, and they couldn't fit in a theater?"

Shepard looked around at his crew: Wrex was visibly unhappy at being deprived simulated violence; Tali had a point that a theater was hardly the most expensive thing a ship could have. Ashley was back to cleaning her rifles-she deserved some leisure time now and again. Garrus was all the way at the other side, working diligently on the Mako radar-board from underneath. He could do better than a screen less than the size of his arm.

"I think this can be remedied, guys."

Well, he was a pushover, after all.

He strolled over to Garrus who was still unaware of their movement towards him. Shepard thought his ear implants might''ve been turned off, for whatever reason possible. He crouched down and tapped Garrus on the shoulder; startled, Garrus jumped up and hit his head against the Mako. He rubbed his head, sucking in air through his teeth. He pressed something on his ear implants and an elegant, sweeping waltz escaped from his omni-tool. He quickly turned it off.

"Oh, I'm so sorry-I, uh, didn't know if you could hear me."

"That's okay, Shepard, it's my fault. So, godf-commander what can I do for you?"

Shepard smirked as he stroke his moustache. "Well, Ashley tells me you've become quite the movie connoisseur."

Garrus' eyes widened slightly at this remark.

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry, I, uh, apologize; Ashley just..."

Shepard held up a hand to silence Garrus.

"No problem, Garrus. But I have a new project for you and Tali."

"Anything for you, Commander.", he replied cautiously.

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_"When's the last time you picked your feet, Willy? Who's your connection Willy? What's his name?...I've got a man in Poughkeepsie who wants to talk to you. You ever been to Poughkeepsie? Huh? Have you ever been to Poughkeepsie?"_

"If C-Sec were like this, there'd be no need for bounty hunters like me.", remarked Wrex.

"What absurd clothes that man is wearing!" exclaimed Tali.

"Why are they beating that poor man? He didn't do anything wrong." whined Liara.

"He's a dope pusher, that's kind of the whole premise of the film," answered Garrus.

"What, beating up people?", said Kaiden.

"No! Well, yeah, but also busting up a drug trafficking scheme."

"I'm not even sure where this takes place, Garrus," wondered Ashley.

"It's New York City, back in the 1970's, a year or so after the actual bust happened."

"Wait-this actually happened?" Tali indicated the screen.

"Well, the red suit might not have happened."

"All I want to know is if there's going to be any more killings like at the beginning?"

"You can count on it, Krogan.", Ashley replied.

Shepard sat up in his chair to speak; everyone listened, the movie paused.

"We're going to need to decide who picks out the movies for the next time we drop by the Citadel."

Joker fidgeted in his chair up in the bridge. "Nobody's challenging that, commander. But let's watch the the rest of this!"

"Agreed." He nodded.

"Put on play," growled Wrex.

The End

So that's where I decided to end it-it was getting a tad long. I hope you liked it-please review!

I've decided to make a series of this. A story for each teammate (besides Kaiden, he **sucks!**) and their experience with human films. I'm thinking next I'll do Tali and her viewing of _The Matrix _and _I, Robot_, among others. The following stories will likely be shorter, as this was also an introduction. I'll admit my story wasn't very exciting. But I hope you liked it a bit.


	2. Rise of the Machines

Rise of the Machines

Author's Notes: The second in my series: I call it Cinema Universo, or something stupid like that. Anyway, Tali is next to pick the movies-I've got to figure out how that works. A game? A bet? Hmm...

Abraham Shepard is slightly tan, has a prominent jaw and chin. he bears a moustache that connects with his inconspicuous sideburns. He has a wavy haircut, despite it being rather short. He has dazzling green eyes and is an expert at raising one eyebrow. Honestly, he bears the likeness of the love child of Cary Grant, Johnny Depp, and a monkey. He is a Paragon, although he is noted for giving insect-like aliens the benefit of the doubt and sometimes spoiling his teammates on missions. He is a little soft-spoken and non-confrontational, but very decisive.

DISCLAIMER-Bioware owns Mass Effect and all subsequent characters. Abraham Shepard is my creation.

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Shepard's soft, manly, manly, **manly** voice filled the Normandy through the intercom, bringing all to attention. Tali took her eyes off the engine; Wrex just leaned against the lockers; Liara paused her net-surfing; Ashley stopped cleaning rifle butts; Garrus shut off his music player.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that our raid on the Batarian mercenaries' base was a considerable success, despite most of the hostages being incinerated and eaten. The slavers were eliminated, at least."

"I've seen worse," Wrex said downstairs.

"'Course you have," replied Garrus.

"You guys deserve a break-we're going to the Citadel. I have a few things to discuss with the Ambassador. Somebody's gonna have to pick some movies."

"Sweet,'" piped Joker. "How we gonna decide who gets dibs?"

Shepard was silent for a second, probably stroking his jaw-lined moustache. "Everybody go to the mess hall. We'll figure this out."

Everyone else got to the dining table before Tali, Ash, Wrex and Garrus. Everyone waited, patiently, except for Joker, who was drumming his fingers on the table **very** loudly. Kaiden started rubbing his temple, and moaning softly. Liara asked why there were taking so long.

Joker answered, "I don't know, but I'll be sure to let you know once I can ask 'em."

Ten minutes later, the elevator opened from the other side of the room. Wrex came into the room quietly,

"Where were you guys-what happened down there?"

Wrex sat down and groaned. "Elevator shut down just as we getting on. Garrus and Tali took forever to rework the damn thing."

"It took them ten minutes to kick start it?" asked Kaiden.

"Well, yeah. But it ran even slower than it did before," he growled. "The others should be up any minute now."

As soon as he said that, the elevator opened up again, and Garrus, Tali, and Ashley stumbled out, somewhat disoriented and bruised. Garrus looked frazzled in particular. Shepard surmised that there was probably more to the delay than Wrex let on. After letting Tali and Ash take seats, Garrus sat between Wrex and Joker, who instantly received a shock that sent him jumping two feet-Wrex merely blinked. Joker yelped like a girl.

"Dude, the hell!"

"Oh, Joker, I'm sorry," Garrus held his hands up in apology. "I didn't-"

"My eyebrows, dude! They're crackling!"

"Joker, the electricity-it-it must've..."

"Be careful, man, damn-that was-"

"Ehi! Nessuna necessità di ottenere così **arrabbiata**! Oh!" Garrus flung his hands in the air as Joker sat back, perplexed.

"Excuse me?", Ashley was just as confused.

Garrus caught himself and sighed. "Never mind."

"Okay, could you guys keep it down? My migraine's acting up again," moaned Kaiden.

Wrex smirked. "Don't only women get those?" He chuckled.

Tali defended Kaiden. "That's not fair, Wrex; you know it's the L2's."

"Hmph. If it hurts so much, why don't you just upgrade?" Wrex asked.

"I've **told** you before-the L2's..."

"Spike higher, I know. Well, you wanna be tough about it-haven't got a problem with it."

Shepard took this opportunity to interject. "We've still got to decide who gets to choose the movies, you know."

"Indeed," agreed Tali. "But how do we go about deciding that?"

"Simple," replied Ashley. "We have some sort of test of skill or intellect-winner gets dibs. "

"Like what?" inquired Joker.

Kaiden stopped rubbing his head for a moment and suggested that they go around and give their idea for a game.

Shepard declared, "Okay, we'll start with Wrex and go around clock-wise."

Wrex stared down at the table. He seemed to be grumbling something under his breath.

"How about Krogan roulette?" he asked.

Shepard stroked his moustache...expertly. '"I'm not familiar with that. How's it work?"

"Well, you take a battle-axe, or a shotgun in our ca-"

"Chess! Who votes chess?"

Wrex growled. "You're such a wuss-I can't believe you can carry a gun with breaking into tears!"

"Chess is, as most people would agree, a less dangerous-"

"You don't even know what it's about; you just assume it involves killing!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow expertly. "**Does** it involve killing, Wrex?"

Wrex turned to face the commander. "Well, if you** really** want to, we can just use the butt of the guns."

"I'm still hesitant to call that a good idea, Wrex. Next."

"No sense of humor, Shepard." Wrex cackled.

"Garrus. What's this 'chess' thing you're talking about?"

Garrus had seemingly zoned out momentarily. He was brought back by Shepard's question.

"Oh, well, it's where you have this board, right? With squares!" Garrus was visibly excited about the prospect of telling his friends of this new sport. "Two people play each other and each gets white or-"

"Is this going to take longer to explain than to do?" interrupted Joker.

"Um...probably," he said hesitantly.

"We should probably go for something quicker."

"Sure, yeah-Joker, what's your idea?" Garrus tried to hide his disappointment at not being able to teach chess.

"Okay, guys. This is gonna be a killer-no, not literally-" he said as Liara opened her mouth. "Never Have I Ever."

"Oh, dear God, no." Ashley pressed her fingers to her brow.

Seeing the chief's reaction, Wrex was interested.

"Sounds interesting, I'm listening."

"Okay. Sweet, dude. We break out the drinks-we go 'round the table. Each person says 'Never Have I Ever' done something. It can be anything. Everybody else takes a drink, if they've done what the person says they've never done. Last person to pass out wins."

"What if one of us should contract adverse effects from the alcohol?" asked Liara worriedly.

"Doctor Chakwas is just three feet away."

Deciding that that answered the question, Shepard asked, "Wha'dya guys think?"

Wrex rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I like it."

"Doesn't sound like anything awry could happen," seconded Garrus.

"I'm in," chirped Tali.

"I suppose I shall join, as well, then," said Liara.

"Seriously, guys. We shouldn't do this. We all know what kind of questions Joker's going to ask, right?"

"Well, well, well, chief. Have something to hide?"

"NO! Well, actually...no."

"Of course," said Joker. As he saw Ashley move to get up, he shot back. "You know we're not gonna give you the benefit of the doubt if you bail, ya know."

Defeated, Ashley stayed seated, but not without giving Joker a dirty look.

"Excuse me, but I need to go someplace quiet. Don't check up." Kaiden stood up and walked off.

"Good luck with your period!", Wrex called out to him.

Despite himself, Shepard sniggered a little. This prompted Ashley to giggle, and then Tali started laughing - soon the whole the whole table was hooting and hollering at Wrex well-placed jab. Shepard then regained his composure.

"Okay, then. Drinks-I'll get them."

Once the drinks were supplied, everyone took a canister-Tali took hers with a straw-Shepard said, "Joker, since it's your idea, you go first."

"Sweet, all right. Never Have I Ever been in a threesome."

Ashley groaned. "Well, we're off to a good start."

After a moment, only Wrex took a swig.

Joker grinned like an idiot. "Really, Wrex? Who was it with?"

Wrex stared down the pilot. "Ain't telling you shit."

"Don't worry, I'll find out."

Wrex chortled menacingly. "Funny thing about that; you're dead either way."

That shut Joker up, for the time being.

"All right Garrus. Your turn."

"Pondering his question momentarily, Garrus proclaimed, "Never Have I Ever, uh, taken a hat to the beach."

At that moment, Joker exclaimed loudly. "Lame, dude, that's not how you play."

"It's not?"

"No! You have to ask sex questions."

Visibly confused, Garrus opened his mouth, closed it again. Then opened it again. "B-b-but **you **asked the sex question..."

"Of course, we're supposed to stick with that theme."

"But I don't know the first thing about-"

"Joker, let him use what he wants."

Joker put up his hands in surrender. "Aiight, but just to let you know, Garrus, this game is traditionally centered around sex."

Garrus' mandibles clicked together. "Seems like a rather narrow subject."

"Not as narrow as you think, man."

Garrus sighed. "Anyway, the hat to the beach?"

Somewhat predictably, Ashley and Shepard both took a drink.

"Go for it, Wrex."

"You want it to be sex, little guy?"

"Indeed."

"Nothing would make you happier, huh, shrimp?"

"Uh-"

"You want to hear, don't ya. Nothing's gonna stand in the way of getting your satisfaction, right?"

Joker stammered, "Just-just go ahead."

"Heehee. Never Have I Ever not killed a hooker."

That prompted looks of horror from all else. Garrus' mandibles looked in danger of snapping off.

Ashley was particularly shocked. "You WHAT?"

Shepard waved her down. "Your business or hers?"

Wrex laughed. "Why, mine, of course," he said in a manner-of-factly sort of way.

Tali looked around the room. "I think you're alone there."

"I'd like to hear why you had to kill a hooker for business," said Joker truthfully.

"Then hear you shall," said Wrex, with the friendliest tone he could manage.

Liara was next. "Never Have I Ever planted a tree."

Ignoring Joker's derisive snort, both Tali and Garrus took a swig.

Wrex looked at Garrus. "You're kidding!" Garrus shrugged his shoulders. "Where the hell did you plant a goddamn tree?"

"Where do you think, my apartment."

"Is it being taken care of?" inquired Tali.

"Yes, the nice old Elcor next door is watering it twice a day.

Tali sat forward. "I never pictured you as one to plant trees. What kind is it?"

"Japanese maple. It's a Earth specimen; how about yours?

"It's a full-grown Xalanok. They're very self-suff-"

"Can you hold the tree talk for later, guys?"

"Fine Joker," said Tali.

"It's your turn, Tali." Joker paused and mouthed out "Sex question."

Tali raised her eyebrows mockingly behind her visor. "Never Have I Ever thought that Joker is impotent."

That elicited a hoot of laughter from Ashley, everybody smiled-even Liara, except Joker, whose mouth hung open like a black hole. All but Joker and Tali took a giant a giant gulp of liquor.

"You-they...that's not fair!"

"You wanted a sex question-that's a sex question, Joker."

"So that's how you're gonna do it, huh? Well, two can play at that game, ma'am."

Wrex snorted humorously. "I doubt it, ten credits say he's gonna pass out before he gets it up."

The table once again burst into laughter.

"Goddamnit!"

It was Ashley's turn now. "Okay, this is better than I hoped for. Don't worry Joker, I'll leave you alone this round. Never Have I Ever killed more than two people with one shot."

"Well, it's still sexual...kinda. do the Normandy's guns count?"

"Yes, Joker."

"Crap." Joker, along with Wrex, Garrus, and Shepard took a drink. It was now the Commander's turn. He thought long and hard. Finally, he had it.

"Never Have I Ever been hit on at a club or bar."

Everone took a drink except Tali.

"Really, Tali. Never been hit on?" asked Ashley.

"Well, yes. But not in a club or bar."

Garrus looked up. He didn't know why, but he felt uncomfortable hearing that Tali had been hit on. Also, he was starting to see two of everything, shaky copies of the people at the table...

It was Joker's turn again. "Never Have I Ever been on the bottom."

"Is sex all you think about Joker?" inquired Ashley.

"I'm not going to lie to you, chief...no. 3 to 4 galactic time I imagine myself accepting an award for best pilot-and getting jumped by three hot chicks."

Shepard took a quick gulp and turned to Joker. "Even when flying the ship?"

"Especially when flying the ship."

Wrex guffawed heartily. "Remember that next time he flies the ship into a hangar."

"What do you mean by that?" wondered Liara.

Ashley interupted before Wrex could traumatize Liara. "How about we **not** give Joker the extra attention. It's what he wants."

Joker shrugged off Ashley's comment, and faced the commander. "Hey, Shepard, I think I saw you take a drink. Who was on top? Was it a duuuude?"

"Yoor atta layen, Jacker," slurred Shepard.

Wrex gave Garrus a bump in the shoulder, to let him know it was his turn. Garrus, however, was busy trying to swat away the dozen disembodied heads of Joker, yelling "SEX!" in his ear." Was it his turn?

Ever the tenacious one, Joker leaned into Garrus' ear while he was swinging his head from side to side. "Ask about sex."

Garrus opened his mouth-or, rather, let it drop-and drawled, "But uncle, I don't know the firsht thung about sheksh." With that, he tumbled onto the floor. Tali stood up in concern.

"Oh, dear. Is he all right?!"

"Calm down, Tali." reassured Wrex. "Nothing's wrong with the Turian, 'cept for the fact that he's a frickin' lightweight. Wrex stood up, picked up Garrus, and flung him over his shoulders. He went to drop him at the infirmary.

"Damn," said Joker. "That was **quick**!"

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Three rounds later, and only Liara and Tali were left. Shepard had lost out due to the fact that he listened to Cher; Ashley had succumbed to Joker's persistent queries into her sex life, and took the whole bottle down to spare herself further annoyance. Joker got out soon after her. Wrex continued drinking to nearly every question until he fell over with a resounding thud. Liara and Tali were both fairly intoxicated at this point.

"Urp, Never Ha-have I Never ever figured out the Shfinx riddle."

One of Liara's eyeballs lolled to the side, when she asked what that was.

"It'sh shumthing Kaiden told me. It's like, like...what walkhs on all foursh in the morning, two at lun-no,um, afternoon. And on three in the morning?"

"I don't kneeow that. Wassat what you never ever shumthing?"

"Ayuh." Liara took a drink.

"Does you know I think it ish though?"

Liara shook her head lazily.

"I think itsh a trick question."

"Whaddya mean?"

"There'sh no anshur. It jusht meant to be lead astray, by our non-understanding shelvesh. The problem, I don't get ish: why it called Shfinks riddle."

It was at this point, that Liara's alcohol-infused mind-overwhelmed by Tali's drunken revelation-made her biotics backfire. Several brain cells imploded under the mental pressure, and she collapsed to the floor. Realizing she had won, Tali jumped, threw her fist in the air, and cheered; drunken, though. She nearly stumbled over. Then, realizing she had won, she waddled over to Liara and proceeded to drag her over to the infirmary. Chakwas was waiting at the table, her arms folded. She gave Tali a wry look.

"I hope that's the last of this foolishness."

It ish, doctor," said Tali, before fainting on the ground."

From Chakwas' s witness, Tali won the rights to picking out the movies. Shepard chose Wrex and Ashley to go along with her, under Garrus' admonitions that they keep a close eye on her.

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So, finding themselves at Cinema-Vid Emporium while Shepard went to sacrifice himself at the altar of Udina's douchebaggery, the trio split up to cover ground in the sizable movie boutique. Wrex meandered over to Tarantino's section under Directors. Ashley surveyed the Drama section for Clint Eastwood, while Tali traveled to the sci-fi section. She started scanning from the top-she saw a cover with a scantily-clad woman armed with daggers. It was called _Aeon Flux_-it looked stupid. Tali continued looking. She sped her eyes over the covers depicting humans in very poorly imagined alien costumes. Suddenly, a cover showing four humans standing amongst each other seized her attention, all wearing black glasses and looking altogether very serious. She picked it up and read the synopsis; she was intrigued. She slipped it under her arm and searched for another, finding yet another cover showing a scantily-clad woman bearing blades. It was called _Ultraviolet_ and it looked stupid as well. She decided to just stick with the one she had.

She returned to Wrex and Ashley who appeared to be arguing over something, but they ceased when Tali approached them. She held up her choice for the two to see. Ashley nodded in approval.

"_Matrix?_ That's a good one. That's all you got?"

Tali nodded. "That is, unless you guys have anything you want to take out."

Ashley waved off the offer. "It's your day to choose. If you're done, let's blow this joint."

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"What's so great about this movie?", asked Wrex.

Ashley thought about it for a second and answered. "Well, besides a great story, there's bullet time?"

Wrex looked intrigued. "Go on."

"It's where you slow down time so that flying bullets can be seen hitting their targets in detail."

"So...you get to see people get killed in slow motion?" Ashley nodded.

"Let's get it!" he growled.

A massive array of fluorescent green numbers converged to form the words: _The Matrix_. Garrus eyed the titles screen inquisitively.

"Matrix? Isn't that a algebraic formu-"

Wrex interrupted. "Sorry, Turian, but this is a dork-free zone. Keep the brainy comments to yourself."

"Tali glared intently at Wrex. "Don't be mean, Wrex. It's a perfectly honest question."

"Fine." During this little altercation, Garrus sunk deeper into his chair, embarrassed that Wrex had slighted him, and even morse so that Tali defended him. He uttered a small "Thanks," when Tali reassured him.

Joker broke the tension with his annoying voice. "I've heard of this movie, it's supposed to have **kick-ass** fight scenes!"

"That's all I care about," murmured Wrex.

_"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember-all I am offering is the truth, nothing more."_

"The truth is a pharmaceutical ad," cracked Shepard.

Wrex furrowed his scaly brow in confusion. "Wait, what the hell does he mean 'It's all around you?' All I see is old furniture."

Garrus mustered up the courage to answer. "I think Morpheus is trying to tell him that what's around him is actually the illusion itself and the red pill will show him what's real."

"Then why offer him the, uh, blue pill?"

This time Tali spoke up. "Probably because he wants to give him the choice that tis illusion hasn't. But really, I think it's supposed to be more symbolic than anything else."

Garrus turned to Wrex. "Like the pills don't actually do anything."

Ashley audibly scoffed next to Wrex. "Sounds like every pill I've ever taken." Liara giggled a little at this crack.

_"Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony."_

An audible gulp escaped Tali's helmet, which prompted a glance from Garrus, who quickly turned to face the movie again. Wrex was just as confused as ever.

"How the he-is that ugly human with the shades a robot?"

"Just figured that out not, did you?" piped Joker.

"Is **this** supposed to be the real word?"

"No," said Garrus. "This is the illusionary world-the sentinels can't be destroyed here."

"Then why is that guy still fighting them?"

"They can't pull him out from anywhere, it has to be a certain point," answered Tali.

"Well, wasn't that the point of all those metal things sticking out of his ass-to enable him to-"

"Watch the freakin' movie, Wrex," yelled Joker. "It will explain everything in due time."

"But I thought you couldn't die in the Matrix."

"You can die in both places."

Wrex simply grumbled in frustration as he watched somebody punch another through a concrete wall.

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Everyone continued to watch the rest of the movie in relative silence, save for Joker's periodic comments on how hot Trinity was, and Wrex growling at him to be quiet, so he could try to decipher the dialogue. Everytime the machines appeared onscreen, Tali curled up in her seat and gripped Garrus' hand tighter. Garrus couldn't say he minded. Shepard stroked his moustache each time Keanu Reeves graced him with his handsome visage. Kaiden's headaches were exacerbated by the relentless gunfights. Ashley and Liara were about something or another. Finally, the movie ended, with all silently transfixed as the credits rolled. Gaarus was the first to speak.

"What a visually stunning and philosophically profound masterpiece!"

"They had...so **many** arms," whispered Tali.

"Sexy," murmured Shepard, who was slipping into a lazy stupor.

"That was a two-hour long piece of **crap**!"

Garrus turned to Wrex. "You can't be serious-that was indelibly awesome!"

"It doesn't explain anything in a way that anybody can understand! All the dialogue is just a massive heap of exposition intended only to move the plot forward."

"But that just means you have to not take what they're saying at face value. The ideology behind their plot is the force that drives the movie forward."

"The ideology doesn't affect the action at all! The plot and what's going on onscreen are **completely** separate!"

"I beg to differ, Wrex. The idea of breaking free from one reality and into another is what allows them to dodge bullets and jump buildings," reasoned Garrus.

"That's just a poorly laid-out theme! It still doesn't excuse the fact that stuff is happening about, oh, I don't know, SIX times faster than the average viewer can take in."

"The average viewer is not supposed to ingest every single detail, that's-"

"Then why put it in in the first place?! And Neo and that broad...I could see that bullshit a mile away!"

"That's because of the Oracle!"

"And that's another thing! The Oracle is a total cop-out. 'She told you exactly what you needed to hear.'? What the shit!?"

"Circumstance is what guides the movie. And the whole point of the Oracle is too accentuate the theme of fate."

Wrex waved him off. "The movie is apparently about twenty different things. I don't need to see people killing self-thinking machines-we already do that in real life!"

"Oh dear," said Tali. "What if this isn't real?" She stared off into the distance.

"Neo couldn't kill them!"

"WHAT! Then why was he fighting them in the first…"

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Shepard cracked a smile as Ashley leaned over and whispered, "Maybe we should get out of here before Ebert and Roeper get really ugly."

Garrus and Wrex exited the TV room about an hour later. They were visibly exhausted.

"Okay, so we've agreed to disagree?"

"Fine," grumbled Wrex. "I will admit it was entertaining to say the least. But inane as well."

And while some story elements could have been presented better, I still say it's an excellent film."

"Good. Now screw off! I have to repair my armor." He lumbered off.

Garrus entered the elevator and was about to descend when Tali entered beside him. Almost immediately, a lump rose in Garrus' throat. He simply tried to ignore it. By wringing his hands feverishly.

"I'm glad you liked it."

"Hmm? Oh, yes, it was great. Nice choice."

"Thanks," she chirped.

Garrus smiled. "You didn't like the machines, did you?" Tali laughed and shook her head.

"Oh, Garrus! I meant to ask you..."

"Certainly."

"Do you think you could teach me how chess works?"

Garrus' eyes widened. "Really? You'd like to learn?"

Tali nodded briskly. "Sure, whenever you...have time?"

Garrus let his arms drop to his sides, bowed his head and said, "I would love to."

The End

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So that's that, for now. It was actually much longer than I expected it be. I needed to inject a healthy dosage of humor in the lengthy conversation sections. Just be glad they're not in huge paragraphs. ;D Please let me know if I can better portray any particular character. Let me know if there's any particular character you want centered around in the next chapter. Maybe I'll branch out the story a little later on. Also let me know if my humor style works for you, or if you want something different.

And without further ado, some scattered thoughts on Mass Effect:

-On Ilos, did anybody notice that the statues of Protheans (I assume) looked a lot like something out of H.P. Lovecraft? They all have huge freaking tentacles growing not just around their mouth, but out the actual head. A very sweet design.

-The Turian councilor is such a douchebag; this was especially evident after Noveria, where, if you spare the Queen, he complains about letting a dangerous species survive. If you kill her, he rips on you about genocide. He clearly suffers from severe Asshole Symptomatic Syndrome, otherwise known as A.S.S. As much as I like Mass Effect's dialog system, it's not much of a testament to open-ended choice, if someone is against you no matter what you try to do to gain their favor.

-Wouldn't it be awesome if Blizzard and Bioware worked together to make a REAL Warcraft RPG? Because, honestly, WoW, isn't much of a role-playing game without the kind of omnipresent, overarching story, engaging characters, and robust conversation gameplay. Not to mention tactical combat. Azeroth is rife with interesting races, plot, and worlds. Making a Warcraft game with the same structure as Mass Effect would be so awesome! Of course, you get to pick your race and gender.

-Wouldn't it be awesome (again with the 'awesome') if Vangelis did the score for Mass Effect 2? Obviously, won't happen; but, if you think about it, his music is well-suited to that sort of game. Just saying.

-I don't know what I'd do if I had to sacrifice another party member-Kaiden is always there as fodder; but everyone is so likable. I mean, it's pretty popular in media entertainment to have each installment darker than the last (Harry Potter, Batman, Spider-_shudder_), but with Mass effect dealing with genocide, slavery, racism, the death of a party member, two suicides, extinction, and giant, immortal machines of chaos, bent on exterminating life, it's hard to imagine what Bioware would do to up the drama and darkness in the sequels, if that is their intention.

-I would prefer that, in the sequels, dialog choices are based less on morality/priority and more on personalities. Basically, you can either be a do-gooder, or an anti-hero throughout the entire game. Certain situations should call for different attitudes and approaches. Be cunning and tricky in order to turn around somebody, or be subservient and non-confrontational in order to avoid fighting an over-powered and and stubbornly aggressive enemy. just think out loud here.

PLEASE REVIEW!


	3. Regrets

Regrets

I would really appreciate more reviews; not only do they encourage me to keep writing for people who like my writing, but they help become a better writer. I have noticed that section breakers do not appear on my stories when they are uploaded to the site, so from now on, sections will be indicated by two line spaces instead of one.

So I guess I wove in (without knowing it) a slight Tali/Garrus romance subplot. I think I'll stick with that; they just seem good together. If you want me to go beyond a simple comedy piece, voice your opinions. I'm interrupting the regular chronology with a back-flash.

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_Executor Pallin was immersed in typing up a report on the cases' of that week when he heard the doors to his office ding and slide open. He looked up from his computer to see the last person he wanted to see right now._

_"Garrus," uttered Pallin, who was now leaning back in his chair. Putting on an air of intimidating nonchalance, he eyed Garrus, who was simply crossing his arms and glaring at the executor grimly. "Is there something I can do for you?"_

_"Why did you do it?" asked Garrus incisively._

_Pallin remained reclined in his chair, before returning to his computer. "I do a lot of things. You'll have to be more specific."_

_Garrus smiled sarcastically. "For once, captain, I'd appreciate your not screwing around with me."_

_Sighing audibly, Pallin took his eyes off the computer. He leaned forward to face Garrus. "Everything I do, it's for the best of everybody involved."_

_"Including the hostages?" said Garrus._

_"I fail to see what you mean by that."_

_Garrus scoffed. "I'm not surprised. Those people might be wishing they were dead already!"_

_Pallin stood up quickly. "What do you base that assumption on?"_

_Garrus' mouth hung open in disbelief. "He was fuckin' torturing those people! For profit!"_

_The executor winced at the crass exclamation. "Please don't curse like that-it's unprofessional."_

_Garrus ignored him and said, "Just what were you thinking, to let him go!/"_

_"He was going to exit Citadel space, Garrus. We had no power to continue pursuit."_

_"Oh, that's rubbish!" He's still in Council space! He has to answer to an authority; we could've-"_

_"Do you forget where you, and importantly, we, stand? We are called Citadel-Security for a reason," retorted Pallin calmly._

_"Just as importantly, Pallin, I joined C-Sec for a reason. To stop people like Dr. Saleon."_

_Pallin started to pace around his chair. "While your...noble intentions are commendable, you seem to forget that we have rules here."_

_Garrus pointed aggressively at the executor. "This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't shut down my order! We could've stopped him right the-"_

_"At what cost, Garrus? We couldn't just risk a ship crashing into the Citadel where we couldn't predict!"_

_Garrus rolled his eyes. "I had that under control-I had Defense on hold..."_

_"You know what? That's your problem-right there! You think you have everything under control. You think you can save the whole damn galaxy by yourself! You think that there's only you and the bad guys-no one else!"_

_"Oh and I suppose the only thing YOU were concerned about was condemning those hostages to a fate worse than death. I don't buy that."_

_Pallin then stormed over to Garrus, leaned into his face. "I don't need you to. Know why? Because I go over your head! You answer to ME! YOU are just a hot-head uniform who disobeys my every other order! I overrode your orders, because I knew what to do."_

_"You did not!" You were bending over for some damn bureaucrats who've never been face to face with a murderer. I knew what the Dr. was doing to those people, and I know he's going to keep doing it."_

_Pallin drew in a breath, and backed off. "You are stretching me thin, Garrus." The executor walked behind his desk. "What statement are you trying to make, by endangering civilians?"_

_"That the rapists, the killers, the slavers, they can't get the better of us!"_

_"Sometimes they do!" snapped Pallin._

_Garrus looked away. "That much is clear," he commented mockingly. "What statement are you trying to make, by letting a cold-blooded sadist go free, without so much as a second thought?"_

_"Thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with it. There are rules. There are laws. That's justice."_

_"There's a thin line, captain, between laws that help justice, and laws that hinder it!"_

_"You're walking a slippery slope, Garrus. How far will you go before you realize that you've become one of them!"_

_"Spare me the drama, captain. You owe me that much."_

_"Really? And why do I?"_

_"Because I've worked for this department seven strong years, and I'd have hoped that by now my opinion on such matters would be taken seriously."_

_The executor collapsed into his chair, still unbelieving at how tenacious even Garrus could be. "They are." Before Garrus could open his mouth, Pallin continued. "That's the problem. You are getting to be more than I can handle. I've gotten five official complaints this month already. Five!" Pallin held up one hand and another finger. He sighed and ran his hands over his face._

_"Listen Garrus..."_

_"NO! I'm done listening to you. You don't know how to take down criminals-every step of the way you are man-handeled by bureaucratic bullshit!"_

_"It's not that simple, there's a set of regulations; a way we do th-"_

_"I never said it was simple. I'd have no problem with your way if it WORKED. But it doesn't . It-it just doesn't!"_

_"What's you expect when you joined up-that we'd hand you a gun and let you go gallivanting off doing whatever the hell you like?!"_

_Garrus, visibly exasperated, threw out arms in front of him. "You. Are. Not. Listening!"_

_"What more do you want? What more do you want me answer?"_

_"Plenty. Like how there hasn't been a single death sentence in four years! Why are there more and more solid convictions being thrown out the window!"_

_"Because we don't live in a police state Garrus! As much as people have to obey the law, we have as much responsibility to respect their rights."_

_"That doesn't prevent them from breaking it anyway! And when that happens, all we have to do, apparently, is twiddle our thumbs and hope the problem resolves itself."_

_"Ah, you're talking out of your ass!"_

_Garrus eyed the executor quizzically. "I'm what?!"_

_"It's a human..." Pallin waved it off. "Look, you're not thinking clearly, you're blasting all this past stuff at me because one guy got away and..."_

_"And it doesn't even matter to you!"_

_"Of course it matters to me! Why would I have sent you on his tail in the first place otherwise?"_

_"Once I I had him, you pull me off-I'm not going to forget that. We are the people who put our necks on the line, and you and every other brown-noser on the Citadel have an issue with every issue and warrant that passes our way. I can't get anything done effectively!"_

_Pallin pressed his fingers to his eyes and shook his head. "I've done more for you than you could imagine. There have a lot of motions to get rid of you. And I defended you every single, damn time. But it's getting to be a strain on me."_

_Garrus furiously placed his hands on his hips. "So what, you're gonna suspend me again?"_

_The executor sighed. "No. At least you didn't shoot anybody this time."_

_Garrus looked disbelieving. "Are you talking about...for love of-he was using that kid as a shield!"_

_"And do you remember the colossal risk you took by shooting him in the head and..."_

_"If I had only hurt him, he would have killed the boy!"_

_And consequently, with his death, went every conviction we could've slapped on him!"_

_"He was better off dead!"_

_"That may be, Garrus. But because of your irrational methods, our ADA filed a formal complaint."_

_"To be honest, Pallin. That's just another sign of your cowardice. You didn't stand up to the prosecutor-instead...instead you chose to let me go. If you can't tell someone like her that you have trust in the people you work with, how the hell are you ever going to stand up to the wrongdoers?!"_

_Garrus paused to catch his breath, if Turians could color up, Garrus' would have been beet red. Pallin looked over the incensed officer. A long silence permeated the room, with Pallin finally gesturing his hand towards the door._

_"You don't like the way I run things? Nobody's keeping you here; quit." Pallin sat down._

_Garrus pressed his hands on the desk and leaned forward. "Maybe I will!" he hissed._

_Faking an upbeat demeanor, Pallin answered, "Wonderful! Maybe then you can be a criminal yourself. You won't have to worry about laws at all."_

_Garrus scoffed. "You know what-you're right. I'd never have to worry about the law...because you'd NEVER have the guts to take me!"_

_Pallin eyed Garrus critically. "If you really think that," he said with a shrug. He went back to his computer. Garrus pushed off the desk and proceeded to stride out of the office, when Pallin, struck with with a heavy conscience, stood up._

_"Garrus!" Garrus stopped walking, but didn't look back at the executor. "I'm sorry you feel this way, but it won't do you any good to come back all-fired up like this." He took in a deep breath. "Take the week off, blow this off."_

_"I'm not the one you should be feeling sorry for." With that, Garrus stormed out of the office and down the hallway._

_An hour later, Garrus arrived in front of his apartment. He punched in the security code slowly, and slipped inside. Not bothering to switch on the lights, he stood alone the dark, ruminating over the altercation with Pallin. He had come in, determined to voice his opinion and hopefully, shake off the guilt he felt for Saleon's escape. Instead, he left feeling awful. He had blown up at the one man who ever had his back in seven years. He had come off as selfish and angry; never had he felt so small and powerless-he had failed to capture a psycho and almost risked killing civilians. He truly was an insubordinate, he thought to himself. Was he wrong? Did he ever think this through? Garrus felt himself being pelted by this barrage of self-doubts. By the second, he was shaking uncontrollably sorrow and frustration. He slumped against the wall and did something he had never done before._

_He cried._

_He had been taught from an early not to ever shed a single tear. But now he did; they seeped from his reptilian eyes and fell down the crevices of his face. He slid slowly to the ground, wracked with emotions, he placed a hand over his face-it was his futile attempt to hide away from the rest of the world, even though his weeping was inaudible. His silent sadness continued for five minutes until he simply could not stay awake and, with his head on his knees, drifted off into a bittersweet slumber._

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I definitely hope you guys enjoyed this installment. I don't know why, but I felt like doing something on Garrus' past; naturally, I chose this scene. Not especially funny, but don't worry, next chapter, I'll be back on track.

Are their any other character pasts you'd like me to do? If so, put them in your reviews-I like exploring their psyches.

-Does anybody feel that any particular character or aspect of the game was underdeveloped?


	4. Snootchies Bootchies

Snootchies Bootchies

Thanks to all of you who took time to review. Well, then! It's the next crew-member's turn to pick out movies. Read the title and guess who and what they'll choose.

I know I enjoyed writing Chapter Three; I felt that in the game, the alien characters were sorely overlooked compared to Ashley and Kaiden in terms of backstory. If there are any other characters whose past you want me to write about, let me know. I also know that some concepts, primarily chess and video rental stores, might seem out of place 200 years in the future. I honestly tried to think of a believable way that Netflix could conceivably send movies to hundreds-maybe thousands-of ships across the galaxy; I couldn't. I am going to stick with a tangible chess board to keep things simple.

Hey, sorry about the delay; I've been writing a big-ass paper for school on Salman Rushdie's _Haroun and the Sea of Stories._ It's good; you should definitely check it out (the book, not my paper ;)). Also, I've been writing a review of _The Dark Knight_ for my school newsletter, a paper supporting capital punishment, and an analysis of Creon (from _Antigone_). So yeah, busy busy busy! Thanks to Mr. Roberts, Kernel Access, TheNumberKnownAs7, MeSoCutie, and AccidentalSuicideBomber for their support and reviews.

Without further ado...

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"So, how does this work?" inquired Tali as Garrus laid out the intricate board on the table.

He had procured a set from a antique dealer in the Wards a mere three weeks ago, and he had already burned through four strategy e-books since then. He had seen the game played by two humans in the markets, and was immediately enthralled. It seemed so accessible, yet rife with layers of tactical consideration. He had decided there to learn more, so he bought the first nice set he set eyes on.

"Well, each player-that's you and me-gets sixteen pieces. The most important one is the king; the objective is to protect him, and check-mate your opponent's king."

"Check-mate, is that what you said?"

"Uh, yes-it's like...er, capturing it, you know?"

Tali nodded. "I think so. Please go on," she said pleasantly.

Garrus then proceeded to explain the rules in great detail, while absent-mindedly placing the pieces on the embossed board. Tali leaned forward on the table with her arms folded, listening intently. After twenty minutes of going over every movement and strategy name, Garrus thought he was talking too much, and just set the rest of the pieces. He accidentally switched the bishops and rooks around; Tali reached out and put them back. Garrus glanced over to Tali; who simply shrugged her shoulders.

"I think those two were switched around."

Garrus stared at the corner of the board. "So they were." He looked up to grin at Tali. "You're a quick learner."

"Glad to hear it," said Tali chipperly.

So, ready to play their first game, Garrus swiveled the board around, giving Tali the white pieces. Tali cocked her head to the side in puzzlement.

Wait a minute, you're giving me the white?"

Garrus nodded.

"I'll have the first turn."

Garrus simply answered, "I know."

"You don't mind..."

"Not at all. You're new to the game. I want to give a head-start." Tali nodded.

"Okay then," she chuckled behind her mask. "I just hope you're not going to help me win."

Garrus leaned forward. "I wouldn't dare entertain the **thought **of you needing help, Tali."

Garrus couldn't tell, but Tali had smiled behind her mask.

She moved her pawn forward two spaces. Garrus instantly deployed his knight out. Tali eyed the knight and took out another pawn, this time only moving it one space forward. Garrus immediately brought out a pawn on the far left of his side.

After a few minutes of quiet competition, Garrus figured to strike up a conversation.

"So Tali, Tell me about the Flotilla."

Tali shrugged. "What is there to say? It was my home."

"'Was?'" Garrus raised an eyebrow.

She looked up from the board to face Garrus. "What? Oh no, it's not like that, I will go back...someday."

"Not too soon, though? Right?" inquired Garrus just a little too eagerly.

"I really don't know-the most important thing right now is Saren, obviously, but..." She looked down again.

"But what?" asked Garrus concernedly.

"During our Pilgrimages, we are expected to find something of value and bring it back to our people,you know?"

"Right." He nodded slowly.

Tali sighed. "Well, some of us never return from their journeys. I'd always expected something bad had happened to them-but maybe they just wanted a different life from the one on the fleet."

"Why's that?"

Tali chuckled lightly. "Are you kidding? The living there is no luxury, let me tell you that right now. It's like those Pilgrims found something better than the Fleet could ever give them." She leaned back into her seat, and stared out at nothing in particular. ""I mean, sure, I have a whole life back there and so many are counting on me. If you can believe it, it's more, heh, stressful than anything we have to deal with now. For example, I haven't spoken to my father in two whole years. And now I'm not sure how I would if I could, right this moment." She leaned forward, resting her arms on the table. Garrus, who had been listening intently, found himself momentarily distracted by Tali's vaguely sensual stretches, accentuating her nice curves. He shook himself out of it.

"It doesn't sound easy. At all." He replied, not sure if what he said was at all comforting.

"I shouldn't complain, really. Not when I've had such luck as this."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that I never thought I would feel so...at **home** out here! For once in my life, I have friends-people that I care about, and care about me. It feels great. You, Shepard, Joker, Ashley, Liara, and _Wrex_, I guess."

Garrus and Tali had a short laugh over that. They had completely forgotten the game, instead enjoying each others' company.

"I'm so glad you feel that way. And concerning the Flotilla, whatever you decide to do..." Garrus took in a deep breath. "I just wanted to let you know that I-"

"Hey, you two!" A gruff voice erupted from behind them.

Tali looked across from Garrus. "Hi, Wrex! What's up?" Garrus had no idea what he was about to say, but, for once, he was glad Wrex had interrupted.

"Joker wants us all upstairs to pick movie rights. Shrimp says he's got a new idea." He continued walking to the elevator. Garrus looked back at Tali.

"Joker? Again?" He squinted his eyes humorously.

Tali laughed. "This should be interesting."

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"'Truth or Dare!'" exclaimed Joker, looking unabashedly smug with himself.

Ashley threw her hands up. "Okay, how about we **don't** take Joker's suggestion this time!"

Shepard rolled his eyes playfully. "C'mon, Ash. Be a sport. Nobody's got any other suggestions, right?"

Liara jumped in. "Well, how exactly does this "Truth or Dare work?"

Joker, still smiling leaned back in his chair. "We go around the table, like last time. We ask each other to pick 'Truth' or "Dare." You pick 'Truth,' you hafta answer the question truthfully. 'Dare,' you do what you're dared to do. And you take a swig of the booze if you decline to do it. Simple as that."

The crew looked around the table at each other. Garrus shrugged noncommittally, Wrex glowered at whomever happened to be staring at him. Ashley sat back, arms crossed. Joker continued nodding energetically. Shepard glanced back at Ashley.

"Well, Chief? How about it."

She let out an audible sigh. "Fine. Whatever."

Kaidan spoke up. "Okay! Who's going first? I'll be staying this time."

"Hope the baby's all right with that?"

"Baby? What ba-goddammit Wrex!" Wrex couldn't help it, he chortled long and hard.

"Shepard! Tell him to stop making fun of me!" Shepard had to stifle a grin.

"All right, guys. Let's all behave like serious, responsible adults and start this drinking game."

They laid out the drinks. Joker set the Normandy on auto-pilot before he forgot. All seated, they decided to start with the captain, in a well-guided attempt to appease her and her distrust of the pilot. She licked the outside of her mouth in contemplation, then nodded at Joker.

"Truth or Dare?"

Joker, ever the self-assured man, answered, "Dare, my good woman."

"All right, then. Get up and dance for us."

Joker stared at her, dumbfounded, then took a drink from his bottle. He sighed. "New rule, nobody can do that again. Agreed!?"

"Fine, Joker," said Ash, with a playful grin on her face.

Shepard twirled his mustache affectionately. "Liara, it's your turn."

Joker piped up again, eyes wild. "Another thing! She-Liara-she's not allowed read minds!"

"Um..."

"I cannot read minds, Joker. Whatever gave you that idea?"

Joker rolled his eyes. "C'mon man, what else do you call that thing you do with the commander-"

"We were merging consciences!"

"Well, if that means you look into each other's minds, shouldn't that mean..."

"**I** can't look into Liara's mind, just putting that out there."

"You aren't even there to see it, what are you basing this on?" argued Tali.

"It's quite boring actually, don't bother." Wrex tried to stifle toothy yawn, to no avail.

"Okay fine fine fine! I was mistaken. You can't read minds, apparently."

Liara scoffed. "Kaiden, this is for you. Truth or Dare?"

"Truth."

"Let me think about this..okay, what is the most bizarre thing anyone has ever said to you?"

Kaiden leaned back in thought. "That would have to be when I was still training on BAaT, one of the instructors-Vyrnnus-I think. He called me a 'meatbag,' of all things."

"'Meatbag,' you said?" inquired Garrus.

"Vyrnnus...isn't that that the Turian? The one you killed?"

"Well, yeah but I don't wanna..." Kaiden chuckled nervously at Ashley's comment.

"Well, from what you said it sounded like he had it coming." Garrus eyed Ashley inquisitively.

"Hmm?" Ash caught Garrus' look. "Oh no no no. It's not like that, it's that Kaiden was telling me about-" Garrus raised his hands to wave her down.

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it."

"Your turn Joker," voiced Shepard, who was engrossed in stroking his soft mustache.

"Ashley, Truth or Dare?"

Ashley sighed. She knew what was coming. "Truth. Hit me."

"Have you ever made out with a chick?" Joker grinned like an idiot.

Ashley slammed her hands down on the table. "See what I mean? That sex-crazed little man can't shut up about sex!" A sly look entered her eyes. "Because he can't have any himself, HA!"

"Take it back back! Take it back!" Joker hopped up and down in his chair until an audible crack emanated the air. "Ah! My ass."

"You alright?" inquired Liara.

"It's okay, it's just the surface I think."

"Great." muttered Ash. "We have a horny cripple rubbing his behind. It doesn't get better than this." She smirked.

"Oh, god. My migraines are coming back." He ignored the snickering from Wrex. "Just ask someone else, will you?"

"Fine, y'all are party-poopers, anyway. So, Wrex. Truth or Dare."

"Truth." he growled.

"Is it true you have four balls?" Garrus was petrified-he couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"Balls?" Joler nodded eagerly.

"You know-nuts." Wrex stared at Joker looking as confused as he ever had. Garrus felt a lump rise in his throat. "**Testicles.**"

Wrex glowered at Joker. "Where the hell did you hear that?" Garrus tried to avoid any sort of eye contact with the towering Krogan.

"Well, Shepard and Ga-Ow! My foot!"

"Say Shepard, would you like to switch seats?" asked Garrus loudly over Joker's whining.

"Oh my god. Relax everybody. Me and Garrus were talking a while back, and Krogan testicles found its way into the conversation."

"Garrus was actually the one who brought it up," said Joker evilly. Garrus put his head in his hands embarrassedly.

"This is...so **stupid**," said Wrex grumpily.

"Why would you be conversing about Krogan genitalia?" inquired Liara.

"We weren't! It was about something else entirely. Joker, you were eavesdropping. We were talking about Doctor Saleon, you tell him!"

"Hmm, yeah i was listening in, but I kinda lost interest by the time you were commenting on the Krogan's virility-**that** made my day."

Garrus' mouth open in horror; Wrex banged his head on the table in frustration; Tali had fallen asleep somewhere in the middle of this altercation and Ashley had proceeded to drink down the entire bottle of booze in one go. Liara was thoroughly confused by now, and Shepard tried to hush Joker up, who was cackling wickedly.

"I am sorely tempted to throttle the life out of you." Joker simply laughed harder. and harder. Shepard tried desperately to get everyone's attention, with no results. Liara was still edging away from the fueled altercation between Garrus and Joker. Ashley had snatched away Kaiden's bottle in a desperate attempt to get drunk, all he while shouting at Garrus and Joker. Tali seemed completely unaware of the ensuing chaos, as she was still sound. asleep, and Kaiden moaned loudly as his headache was exacerbated. Finally, in the midst of the fighting, Wrex drew his pistol and, before Shepard could react, he fired it into the air (or, more specifically, the ceiling). Tali was awakened in the worst possible way, jumping three feet in the air, and landing on the floor. Kaiden fainted promptly; Liara let out a high-pitched scream, stumbling backwards in her chair. Garrus, out of shock, swallowed suddenly and involuntarily, causing him to choke. Joker cried out dramatically; Shepard dove under the table.

"What the hell was that?!" exclaimed Joker.

Wrex holstered his pistol. He glared at Joker.

"Well? You're quiet now, ain't ya?"

Shepard interjected, emerging from under the table. "Let's just continue before someone gets hurt. Garrus, you're next."

Garrus massaged his cranium in thought, quite certainly lost in thinking of a good question to ask anybody. He figured he just wasn't any good at these. Then, he had an idea-something that had been lingering in the back of his head for a while. He had to ask it subtly.

"Tali, this is for you. Truth or Dare?"

"Hmm, Truth, it would have to be."

"How come nobody's picked 'Dare' yet? Lame!"

Garrus rolled his eyes. "When were you born, exactly?" Joker scoffed.

"Why don't you ever ask sex questions, this isn't how the game is-" Garrus gritted his teeth and grimaced, causing the pilot to flinch.

"Well, to translate to your date measurements...February 15, 2162." She shrugged her her shoulders in modest affirmation.

Garrus nodded, and sat back. He realized that her birthday was a little less than a month away-he had to think of something soon.

It was Wrex's turn now, and he turned to Liara. "Truth or Dare?" he asked bluntly.

"Truth," she said assuredly.

"Very well. Who's the first person you ever slept?" Wrex smiled a horrible smile.

To Wrex's surprise, she answered. "That would be Ashley."

Everybody stared at Liara, then Ashley stirred slightly from her drunken stupor.

"Really," said Tali.

"Really."

"Liara, what'd yew tell 'em," slurred Ashley.

"Wrex asked me who I had 'slept' with."

"Shit, Liara. That was supposed to be private," she said somewhat noncommittally.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry. I suppose I'm not as adept at reading human relationships as I had thought."

"Wow." Kaiden was pretty much speechless.

"I kinda wish you hadn't answered that now," grumbled Wrex.

"Wait a minute, here." Shepard held up his hands, not without raising his eyebrows. "You all have sleeping pods-there's only one place you could've done it and that's..." He looked back over his shoulder.

"Omigod!" He jumped up to run to the med-lab. He emerged rubbing sanitizer all over his body, muttering "Ew!" repeatedly. Ashley threw her head back drunkenly and laughed.

"C'mon, Commander! What, you shtill believe in cooties or shumthin'?"

"Ha, of course not, but...I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to sleep there again."

I just KNEW that something was going on between them, I knew it!" proclaimed Joker excitedly. "I could see it a mile away!" Wrex stared at him.

"I have an eye for these things, you know."

"That's wonderful, now please shut up," growled Wrex.

"Well! It's your turn, Commander."

Shepard drew his breath through his teeth in contemplation. "Alright, Joker-this one's for you. Truth or Dare?"

"Why 'Dare,' of course," he said confidently, clearly forgetting the last time he had been dared.

"Sweet, I dare you to kiss Wrex. On the cheek."

"What?! You're kidding me-I'm not doing that!"

"You do want to win, don't you?" Joker's hand stopped midway in grabbing his bottle.

"Otherwise, you're just going to have to take drink, and it'll be harder to accept the next time."

Joker was obviously contemplating this seriously. Of course, it didn't help that Tali, Kaiden, Garrus and even Ashley had started to chant: "Pucker up," much to Wrex's annoyance. Finally Joker gave in and turned timidly to Wrex.

"Uh, Wrex? Is it okay...if I, um...?"

Wrex sighed deeply. "I don't even give a crap at this point." Joker figured that this non-confrontational enough and got up on his crutches over to Wrex. For a moment, it looked like he was going to bail out, but Shepard kept on egging him on. He leaned in, trying to distinguish cheek from neck and settled on one of the jutting ridges of his face. He puckered up and kissed Wrex right on the cheek, at which point the entire table erupted in whoops of laughter. The reaction was sudden and relentless, with Shepard, who was wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, spoke up.

"I...I cannot believe you just did that! That was the best thing I had ever seen." Joker grew red in the face.

"Ah, take a picture, why don't you," he retorted grumpily as he lurched over back to his seat.

"Done and done."

The color drained from Joker's face. "What did you say, Tali?"

Tali looked up at Joker. "What, you think I was gonna pass up a chance to immortalize that image?"

"Oh, crap-you took a picture!" Joker's face contorted in horror.

"On my omni-tool's camera function. Came out rather nice...wanna see?" She held out her arm for Joker to see.

"No!"

Shepard was shaking with hysterics, he could barely get the words out. "If anyone wants to-to blackmail Joker, just ask Tali." He then went back to his incessant giggling.

"Gay," was his only response.

Ashley reciprocated, "I agree, that was **very** gay. Flamin', in fact." She chortled mercilessly. Joker sat back and rolled his eyes. Wrex leaned over to Joker and whispered.

"You know, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't like it either."

"Uh, thanks. I guess?"

"No problem. **Was **very gay, though."

"Oh, shut up!"

The evening continued as expected, with a few mishaps, naturally. Kaiden asked Garrus if he was a vegetarian, to which he begrudgingly admitted (though not without mentioning it was hard to digest Earth-grown meat, to which Kaiden smugly patronized his claim). After only one round, Joker had regained his impervious deviance and dared Ashley to make out with Liara. Her only response was to fling a half-empty bottle at him. However, her intoxication caused her to aim more to the left, effectively knocking Garrus out cold.

"Damn!" said Wrex. "That's the second time in a row he's gotten out first." He dragged Garrus to the infirmary.

The rest of the game went on little incident, from there on out. The order of people who passed out were Ashley, Shepard, Kaiden, Liara and Wrex. Tali succumbed to Joker's insistence on daring Tali to dance to "Hot Hot Hot." The remaining crew-member, against all reasoning, was Joker. He stood up with excitement over his victory, only to fall back down when his knees started hurting.

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Since Joker could not walk around the Citadel himself, he wrote down for Ashley and Garrus what to rent and sent it to his omni-tool. Garrus looked it over.

"'_South Park: The Movie_,' and '_Clerks_,' did I read that right?"

"Yep. Stellar cinema that is!"

"I'm quite sure it it," muttered Ashley as they closed the airlock behind them with the Commander. Shepard left the two for lunch with Anderson and Udina. Garrus and Ashley took for the commercial plaza, taking the first elevator they could find and descending straight the Wards. It was five minutes in, and the lift was still only halfway down. Garrus figured now was as good a time as any to ask Ashley something that had been on his mind.

"Ash, do mind if I ask you something?"

"Depends on what you're asking." Garrus simply smiled.

"You've had...you know, how do you call them? Boyfriends, right?"

Ashley eyed Garrus suspiciously. "This isn't a 'Joker' question, is it?" Garrus chuckled nervously, scratching his brow.

"Most assuredly not."

"Well sure, I've had a couple guys in my time. Why are you asking?"

"Well I'm just curious, as I always am. What sort of things do humans do to impress another one?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well just suppose one of those boyfriends wanted to win you affections somehow. How would they go about doing that?"

Despite herself, she burst out laughing.

"What is so amusing?"

"I'm sorry, but it's just...you're talking like some commentator on the _Nature Channel_! 'Impress?' 'Affections?' I've never heard anybody use those words except in the movies. Tell me what' really on your mind."

"I am honestly just wondering."

"**Riiiight**. First, you gotta tell me who the lucky gal is." Garrus avoided eye contact, wondering if he should have brought it up in the first place. Ashley wasn't to be deterred.

"Okay, fine. I can probably guess. But how come you're asking me? You're, like, twenty-three years old-haven't you ever gone on a date?"

"There was a girl-an Asari- in Basic Training; I thought we serious-turns out I was just one of a couple dozen of her interests," he said softly.

"Oh. That always sucks."

"Forget about her." Ashley seemed somewhat taken aback by this trite, bitter side of Garrus. She figured that whoever he was interested, she was important.

"Okay, to my question then. There's lots of ways to 'woo' a lady."

"Like what?" inquired Garrus, suddenly perking up.

"You could get a box of chocolates-I don't know how it works on you aliens, our own dogs can't even digest it, but it is very good. If you want something a little more symbolic, I would suggest flowers-the real pretty ones. You know thing or two about botany, don't you?"

"Correct."

"Well, again I can't speak for your species, but roses, the red and white ones are the best combo..."

"I like roses, they're pretty."

"Of course, if you're serious, you might want to give her a heart-"

"A what?!"

"Not, not a real heart, but shaped like a heart. Could be a box of chocolates, or the way you lay out your flowers for her."

"What is even remotely romantic about a heart? I don't think there's even a market for things shaped like hearts."

"Yeah, but, you're misunderstanding-it's a symbolic shape used to represent love." She cupped her fingers and put her hands together to form the shape of a heart. Garrus inspected it closely, before drawing back.

"I'm sorry, but that looks nothing like a heart, Ashley."

"No it doesn't, but...never mind. Some other good ideas might be to make a tribute CD, dedicate a song to her that sort of thing." Garrus was listening intently.

"But for starters, I would recommend you take her out."

"Out of where?"

"Out **to**. Like, a movie, a play or dance. Something fun and social, they always like that. It's easy to go from there." Garrus nodded appreciatively.

"Thanks."

"Oh, don't mention it. Like you said, it's all hypothetical, right?" she said facetiously as she nudged him playfully. Garrus couldn't hide a small smile.

"Don't worry a smidge-your secret's safe with _moi_...how long does the frickin' elevator take?"

Garrus took a glance out of the glass for a view.

"Well?"

"Err..."

"How much farther, man?"

Garrus grasped his throat nervously. "Ash. We don't actually appear to be moving. At all."

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After two emergency calls and ten minutes of repairing the elevator breakdown, the duo had finally made it down to the bustling commercial plaza. After losing Garrus four times on the way, they had made their way through the crowds into the video rental. They split up to acquire each of Joker's requests. Ashley disappeared into the vast aisles to locate _'South Park' _ and Garrus went to find '_Clerks.'_

Five minutes already, and Garrus was nowhere near finding the movie. He had to secure the assistance of a malodorous human employee who suggested (after a couple failed attempts to recruit Garrus into a membership) that he look in the Cult Classics section. Thanking the smelly man for his time, he went on his way to the far end of the emporium. As he got there, his eye caught something outside the window in the open plaza. An holographic ad for an all-Elcor production of _Hamlet. _Garrus' interest was piqued. It had started when Ashley had been quoting Tennyson and Aquinas. Garrus had inquired on the two people she had quoted; one thing led to another, and soon Ashley was telling an intrigued Garrus all about human literature, eventually getting around to Shakespeare. Ashley lent Garrus an anthology of English drama; he had tried to read through _Much Ado About Nothing,_ but found the language to be indecipherable. Luckily, Ashley had taken time to help him through the text. Bless her heart.

Now, Shakespeare was one of his favorite writers, and here was _Hamlet_ playing on the Citadel itself. No doubt excited, he momentarily lost track of what he was doing. He would look into it later, but now he had to procure Joker's movie. Finally, when he had laid his hands on the the case, he thought back to what Ashley had said in the elevator; would going with Tali to this play qualify as "taking her out?" He knew Tali would be interested, but what would she think if he just aked out of the blue. Did he in fact, want her to think something specific?

He was shaken out of his pondering by Ashley, who had attained _South Park._

"Hey, Garrus? You all there?"

"I, uh..yes. You found the movie?"

"Unfortunately. This thing had better be worth it. I see you've found the other one."

Yes. _Clerks._" She scoffed.

"I've been having to put up with those idiots for the past ten minutes. I can't imagine for the life of me what the appeal of these are. Anyways, let's blow this joint." She tilted her head to the door.

Garrus looked at her confusedly. "Why would you want to be smoking hallucinogens at this time?" Ashley just laughed and shook her head, turning to exit the emporium; Garrus followed after her.

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_"You're such a pig fucker, Philip!" (gasps)_

_"What did he say?"_

_"Terrance, why would you call me a pig fucker?"_

_"Well, let's see, first of all, you fuck pigs."_

_"...Oh yeah!"(raucous laughter)_

_"Yeah, suck my ass and call me a bitch!" (heightened raucous laughter)_

_"Ahaha, you shit-faced cockmaster!" (even more raucous laughter)_

"My brain is trying to kill itself."

Wrex came to Joker's defense. "Lighten up, Ashley. This is funny shit." Joker was laughing so hard in his seat he was in danger of throwing up.

This shit is SO funny!" concurred Joker. Even Shepard seemed to be enjoying it.

Garrus however, was profoundly confused at what was happening on-screen; it seemed to switch from two crudely animated humans exchanging the most creative obscenities he had ever had the privilege of hearing to four kids ecstatic at what was happening in front of them. Then one of these proceeded to light himself on fire and perish.

"What the hell is happening? Is there a plot here?"

Joker turned to Garrus, trying desperately to steady his breath. "These four kids are seeing this movie, with their two favorite Canadian comedians from which their learn all their best phrases and words. Then they start swearing in class, and they get in trouble with their parents. Then the Jewish mother leads a vendetta against the comedians and Canada in general. Meanwhile, Kenny goes to Hell and finds that Satan is fucking Hussein and they plan to take over the world as soon as the Canadians are executed. But Satan is having a little relationship trouble with Saddam, who's abusive and wants to have sex all the time, but he starts singing and dancing and everything is all right, so they go up to Earth and savage everybody while the Americans and Canadians are killing each other and the kids are leading a freedom movement to rescue the comedians from being electrocuted, and Cartman calls Kyle's mom 'a big, fat bitch' and Satan kills Saddam, who's still being an asshole, and Kenny goes back to Heaven and everybody gets along."

Garrus was speechless. He tried to comment, but simply sat back in his seat without a word. Ashley spoke up.

"So, Garrus, to answer your question," she stared down Joker. "There is no plot." This inclined Joker to stick his tongue out at her.

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_"Eric, did you just say the 'f-word?"_

_"Jew?"_

_"No, he's talking about 'f*ck,' you can't say 'f*ck' in school, you fucking fatass!"_

_"Kyle!"_

_"Why the f*ck not?"_

_"Cartman!"_

_"Dude, you just said 'f*ck' again."_

_'Stanley!"_

_"F*ck."_

_"Kenny!"_

_"Dude, what's the big deal, it doesn't hurt anyone; f*ck-f*ckitty-f*ck-f*ck!"_

_"How would you like to see the school counselor?!"_

_"How would you like to suck my balls!" (gasps)_

"Is the whole movie going to be like this, Joker?" moaned Ashley.

"Oh hush, you-the rest of us are enjoying it. Wrex likes it, Shepard likes it, Kaiden's in the bathroom-I don't know what's up with him, Garrus likes it. Right, Garrus?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, sure, absolutely," he answered uncertainly.

"See, Ashley? Everybody else likes it."

"You listen Joker. Firstly, Wrex likes it because he's quite possibly more crude than you," Ashley didn't notice Wrex mimicking a pistol shot to the back of Ashley's head; Joker did and tried his best to keep a straight face, with considerable success. "Secondly, Shepard, being your commander, feels sorry for and doesn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Thirdly, Garrus is just being polite 'cause that's all he knows!" Garrus took offense at that.

"I'll have you know that my knowledge extends far beyond simple mannerisms, thank you very much!" Joker stared at him, then back to Asley, who eyed him sarcastically.

"See?"

Visibly flustered, Joker now turned back to Garrus. "Hey man, you like this don'tcha?"

Garrus, not privy to criticize Joker's choices-because goodness knows that being a douche and watching movies was about all he **could** do, he found himself at a loss of words.

"It's...we-well, I, uh..." Catching the pilots' miffed expression, he continued to stumble. "It...it's an acquired taste, really."

"Then the question remains: "Are you acquired?" Wrex's comment earned him a subtly reproachful stare from the Turian.

"What I'm curious to know," said Tali, "Is what exactly is a 'Jew'?"

"Ahh..." murmured Ashley. "It's an ethnic group."

"Of Humans?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Well, why would you have a division within your own race?"

Ashley pondered that for a second. "It's a...cultural thing, really. Like, a lot of stuff ha happened to a certain collection of people within time and space that warrants a 'distinction' of sorts."

"So are there a lot of groups within Humanity?" Tali was intrigued.

"Basically, yes."

"If you don't mind my saying so, that sounds almost unnecessary. I mean, you've only just recently come into contact with entirely new species. Was there any sort of unity on Earth?"

"Well it's complicated like that, but we don't think of it as differences so much as complete barriers to understanding, even though there's been plenty of collaboration in time, like the International Space Station."

Tali sat back, thinking. "Seems like the sort of thing that could lead to trouble."

Ashley chuckled sardonically. "Girl, you don't know the half of it."

Garrus knew that feeling quite well, sitting in the middle of the discussion. He had read _The Merchant of Venice_ just a month ago, with the main antagonist (or anti-hero, through Garrus' eyes) a deeply loathed Jew by the name of Shylock. Even as he read throughout the entire play, he never once got an idea of what exactly the Jews had done that was so wrong. Nevertheless, he was relaxed, now that Joker wasn't badgering him about the film.

"Quiet guys, they're going to sing about Canada now."

"Cana-what?"

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

By now, Garrus had given up on trying to follow the movie, now doing no more than hanging on for every instance somebody broke into song. Everyone else was either glued to the screen, or rolling her eyes at the humor. The movie continued in relative silence, until the end, when Kaiden contracted yet another massive migraine and went back to the bathroom. Never let it be said that, as racially diverse as the crew was, everybody got the gay jokes. With that, Joker ejected the disc and looked around at the crew with a smug smirk on his face.

"So. Did I deliver, or did I deliver?"

"Are those the only choices?" inquired Liara. Joker chose to ignore her. Ashley cleared her throat.

"You know, I've learned something today. This movie describes, in an hour and twenty minutes, everything that's wrong with Joker's sense of humor." The pilot nonchalantly gave her the finger. He turned to Wrex, who quickly gave his approval of the myriad humorous deaths in the feature. Garrus echoed his thinly veiled confusion, and Shepherd put in _Clerks_ to watch.

"Okay, Ash. Maybe **this** will be more up your alley, you movie snob."

"Suck it, Joker."

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_Clerks_ was different...somewhat. First of all, it was shot in black and white, though Joker had informed everybody that they had been using color long before then. Secondly, there were many more jokes concerning the fine art of blow-jobs. They watched the first ten minutes in silence, with only Joker's incessant chortles filling the air. Surprisingly, Ashley appeared to be visibly enjoying the the crass banter of the movie. Shepard decide to strike up some conversation.

"This Kevin Smith guy, didn't he do a bunch of movies about the same characters?

"Ayuh, he did. Another good one is _Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back_. That one kicks ass. You see, they are turned in for dealing and-"

"Hang on," Kaiden interrupted. "You're telling me that there's a whole movie about those two outside the shop?"

"You would be correct in that assessment," answered Joker complacently. Kaiden muttered "Crazy" under his breath.

"Well, now I happen to like them, Kaiden," contributed Tali.

"Hey Turian," said Wrex. Garrus hung his head upside-down over the chair to face the Krogan.

"Yes?"

"It's true, right? That they allow druggies in your ranks." Wrex asked with a straight face. Garrus gave a complimentary roll of the eyes.

"'Druggies is not quite the proper nomenclature-leisurely pharmaceuticals and stimulants are well within rights. Doesn't mean I approve of it."

"How do you mean," asked Ashley. "Don't tell me you've never had a taste, not with those sort of regulations." Garrus shook his head.

"That's what happened with the Russian military in the 90's. It's going to bite us in the ass, if our superiors don't do something about it."

"I wouldn't worry 'bout it, now that you're here-"

"Shh!" said Joker. "They're going to talk about the guy who broke his neck sucking himself off!" He left the back of his chair to lean forward.

"Oh, joy," mumbled Ashley.

"_He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick."_

_"Shut the hell up!"_

_"I swear."_

_"Stop it."_

_"Bible truth."_

_"Oh, my god."_

_"C'mon, haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?"_

_"No."_

_"(scoffs) Yeah right. You're so repressed."_

_"Because I never tried t suck my own dick?"_

_"No, because you won't admit to it! Thinks a guy's a fucking pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal; you've tried it."_

_"Who found him?"_

_"My cousin? My aunt found him. On his bed, doubled over himself with his legs on top. Dick in his mouth. My aunt freaked out."_

"I'm gonna have to kill a lot of Geth to get this out of my system."

"You're no fun, Ash."

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

With movie night finally drawing to a close, the crew members bade goodnight to each other, in light of the lateness. Joker was pushed around in his chair with Shepard's aid. As everyone left to rest, Garrus and Tali were left.

"Well, goodnight Garrus."

Garrus coughed. "Sleep tight," he said, as Tali walked away to her sleeping pod. As she came to the door, she stopped and turned around, grasping the frame.

"Aren't you coming?"

"Hmm? No, you go on; I need some quiet thinking time." Tali stood still for second or two.

"All right, then...see you." She slipped around the corner, not catching Garrus' smile. He lowered down onto a wheeled chair, leaned back, and floded his arms behin his neck in relaxation. It had been a long day, like even Wrex, he was itching for some action, some clues to lead them to Saren. Aside from being a matter of galactic safety, it was the chance to himself to all those who ever doubted him. If that didn't work, well, at least he would know that he had done what he could, and with the best group of people he had ever known. And if that wasn't worth something, why would he have even bothered to begin with twenty years ago?

Shepard was easily the most comfortable, cool-headed senior had had had the pleasure of working with; the key word being '_with'. _Never did it feel like he was serving someone else's own interests or mission. What Shepard wanted, he wanted with Garrus. Whatever Sheparddid, he did with Garrus. From hereon out, every commander would be judged by Shepard's standards in Garrus' eyes.

As far as Krogan were concerned, Wrex was one of the more surprising individuals he had come across; his father had told him all sorts of horror stories about the Krogan when he was young, but now that he was working with Wrex, he knew that not all of them were monsters. He knew Wrex was not quite as forgiving, and his brief episodes of conviviality were just that: brief. He knew that the merc had moderate disdain for him. And for the most part, Garrus couldn't really blame him. It was enough that they respected each other as warriors, but he hoped that someday, he would be able to reach out to him. Garrus couldn't help but feel sorry for him; it could be said that the Krogan had never met a fight he didn't like, but the Turian knew that he had run away from the biggest one of his life.

And say what you would about Joker, but the fact remained that he was indisputably one of the best pilots that the Alliance even other races, had to offer. No matter what situation the Normandy found itself in, the crew had learned to trust him with any solution. He was a quick thinker, a fact that, while not evident, was very important. Still, he never lacked for that oddly charming attitude that always succeeded in breaking any ice. And for that, Garrus could be grateful.

At first, Ashley and Garrus had been cold and uncommunicative, but through simple off-hand comments and exchanges, they had found a commonality betwixt the two of them. Ashley's intimate knowledge of Human culture, coupled with Garrus' insatiable curiosity, made them into the best of friends in no time. Pretty much everything he knew about Humans was due to the Chief's complete willingness to share with another race, everything about her own species. And he found that remarkable, given Ashley's prior distrust of other races, something that had irritated him to no end. But now, through many conversations and stories, she had evolved into something of the big sister the Turian never had. He wouldn't admit it, but he liked that the Chief had become a surrogate shield for him.

And then there was Tali. Who, or what was she? In Garrus' eyes, she was everything. She was beautiful, even with the suit. She was funny, in a sweet, yet droll way. She was pleasant and nice, always a complete joy to be around. She was independent, decisive without being a loner. She was incredibly interesting; his interest in her tales of the Flotilla had never once waned. As he was thinking about this, he came to ponder what his feelings were about the Quarian. What had had started out as a fairly regular friendship, seemed to have become something more. Had this happened spontaneously, or had these feelings culminated over the time spent with her? Whatever the answer was to that, it was becoming increasingly clear that his affections were being won by this intriguing young woman. He knew it was unheard of, for a Turian be interested in someone outside their own species (barring the Asari), much less the considerably disliked Quarians, but that was exactly what was happening with Garrus. He recalled the conversation in the elevator, and for some reason or other, found this whole idea of, to use Human vernacular, 'being in love,' to be irresistibly fond. He supposed that if he was to be physically mired in a tangible embodiment of love, which it would have to be like this. Comfortable, wonderful, and altogether intimidating. But he refused to be frightened by his own sentiments. This...'dating' thing could certainly be a way of asserting his feelings and sorting them out. He figured that he would to consult back with Ashley on the finer points of this social endeavor. Running at lightning-speed, his brain sped through all the possibilities and options, and picked out three, that would go together perfectly; and so, with a renewed sense of assignment, he rolled his chair over to the the desktop computer and logged onto the extranet. In the central search engine, he typed out the words: "elcor play Hamlet."

The search brought up a website: /. He clicked on this and found the approaching showtimes for the whole month. And much to Garrus' gratification, there was a showing of the production on the night of Tali's birthday. Ecstatic, he paused to consider how many tickets to purchase. He decided it was best to leave as only Tali and himself. With that in mind, as well as his confidence, he clicked "Order."

The End

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Phew! Glad that's done! I am sorry to say that I am largely unreliable, as I have failed in bringing you this installment before November, but I was close nevertheless, eh? I like how I'm developing the characters, especially Garrus, my favorite (whodathunkit?). But it is possible to have too much romance and talky-talky. Next chapter is going to move forward **both **the personal storyline, and the game's actual storyline, with an extended action-packed chapter on, most likely, Noveria. I love fleshing out shootouts and firefights, I can get them to be rather graphic.

Speaking of which, last weekend I saw the original _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ and _Silence of the Lambs_. Both were very good. Unfortunately, I also had the unenviable experience of watching _The Strangers._ An hour into the movie, it was still building up suspense even though we knew what the threat was, and what it intended. Plenty of jump-and-scare bits, complete with screeching music, and the stalkers constantly appearing and reappearing without doing a **goddamn thing**. And totally lame lines from the killers. Such a bad movie, don't see it.

So tonight was Halloween, and I celebrated by dressing up as the Joker, with face-paint, overcoat, leather gloves and a knife. I already have long, scraggly hair. My dad donned one of the clown masks from the Bank Heist. We drove to get some scary movies-I hung out the side of the car, like when the Joker escaped jail, all the while playing Hans Zimmer's theme for the Joker and generally freaking people out. Sweet.

I hope you enjoy this chapter! I guess I can't avoid an M rating any longer. There will be more to come. Read and review, if you please.


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